Sarah Powers is a freelance writer and mom of two. She lives in Arizona and blogs at Powers of Mine.
One of the objectives behind this here Friendfactor blog is to help straight friends of gay folks lighten up a little. Don’t worry about not knowing what to say or asking a silly question. Just say something, or go ahead and ask, and if it’s done in the spirit of friendship, it’s all good.
Usually well-meaning adults have these kinds of hang-ups in the first place because we’re worried either about hurting someone’s feelings or about looking stupid ourselves. But if there is one demographic who I can promise you does not give a crap about looking silly or making someone else uncomfortable, it’s KIDS.
Show me a preschooler and I’ll show you at least one parent who has experienced the agony of loudly stated observations like, “Mommy! That lady has a baby in her tummy!” (when ‘that lady’ is a stout 55-year-old) or “Hey! Is that guy a football player?” (because he happens to be black) or “Is that a man or a lady?” (and you’re not actually sure of the answer yourself).
As a parent in these moments, it’s easy to want to shove the nearest handful of goldfish crackers into the mouth of your precious offspring. I believe, though, that while doing so saves on a little short-term embarrassment, it also deprives both child and parent of a valuable opportunity for discussion.
Here are some ideas for parents and friends of curious little minds on how to answer kids’ questions about gay friends and family members (or just your average same-sex couple holding hands on the street):
Make it okay to ask. Always. No matter how inappropriate or embarrassing the comment or question (Hey! That lady is dressed like Daddy but she has huge boobs!), answer it. Yep! Isn’t it cool how men and women have so many choices about how they dress and who they hang out with?
If you’re trying to figure out what to do when a co-worker tells inappropriate gay jokes at your office, the first thing you should know is that you’re not alone: 58% of gay people report hearing these things at work. Whether you hear someone directly disparaging another person because of their sexuality, or work someplace where phrases like “that’s so gay” are used to mean something is bad, you’re working in a hostile environment. Comments like that are a big reason why 51% of gay and trans folks aren’t out at work: it doesn’t feel safe. But you can help.
Anyone can take steps to discourage harmful behavior like this, and good friends like you do. These gay jokes are really no different than someone making derogatory remarks about race; you’d want a friend to stand with you in a situation like this, too.
Here are some tips on what you can do when you hear co-workers making gay jokes:
Say something. The moment you can make the biggest difference is right when you hear the offensive comment being made. Make it clear to your co-worker that their language is hurtful and would make a gay person feel uncomfortable, and that it isn’t ok. Or simply state that what was said isn’t appropriate in a work setting.
Get in touch with HR. Although 29 states lack workplace protection for gay folks, your company probably has an anti-discrimination policy. Even if there’s nothing in writing that specifically addresses homophobic comments, your boss or HR department has an interest in making the company a safe place for all employees. Especially if you’re not comfortable saying something to the jokester yourself, this is a great way to make sure the incident doesn’t go unaddressed.
Let your gay co-workers know you have their backs. Regardless of what you’re able to say in the moment or get the company to do to address the issue, it makes a big difference for the gay folks in the office to know someone else heard what happens and wants things to change. If you’ve taken any action, tell them, and in any case make it clear that you’re there if they ever need back-up.
Make a bad situation into a learning opportunity. Your co-worker who made the joke probably deserves the benefit of the doubt; they might not know or understand why what they said was hurtful. Explain that calling something “gay” when they mean “bad” implies that gay IS bad, and how that must make gay folks in the office feel. Let them know that what they may have thought was good-natured teasing can actually be very hurtful to someone; it’s not fair to pick on anyone just because of who they are.
Straight friends have the ability to make a huge difference in situations like these. If you can call your peers out, it makes a powerful statement that gay jokes aren’t just an issue for gay people: they’re an issue for anyone who cares about a gay person. Anything you can do makes your workplace feel that much safer for gay employees, whether they’re out at work or not.
Take Action: “Like” and share this post so all your friends will know what they can do if they ever hear a gay joke at work. Together we can make the world a safer place for our gay friends.
With the recent rash of teen suicides as the result of bullying, helping out gay friends has been on a lot of people’s minds. The good news is, there are lots of great organizations, each staffed by dedicated and caring folks, which are giving their all to make the world a better place for all of our gay friends. There are great gay resources out there, and you can help connect the dots.
In this post, we’ll highlight some national organizations you may find useful. Many have local chapters as well; click through below to find resources near you, if that’s what you need. The full list is below the jump – here are a few you may be looking for urgently.
If you are concerned your friend might hurt themselves: the Trevor Project.
“Trevor” is a fantastic organization that provides gay and trans youth with information, help, and support. If your friend considering hurting themselves or even taking their own life, get them on the line ASAP. Their suicide prevention hotline can be reached at 866-4-U-TREVOR (866-488-7386).
PFLAG has local chapters around the country which run support groups for parents and others who are struggling with the sexuality of a loved one. Want to find one? Just click through. Great for friends who want to be supportive or parents who need a crash course and others to talk to.
If your friend has experienced discrimination just for being gay, and needs legal advice:Lambda Legal.
This national org works for equal rights throughout the country for gay folks, as well as those with HIV/AIDS. Lambda can hook you up with legal services when you and your friends need them. Gay resources when your friend’s in a bind.
Below the cut: International advocacy, hate crime prevention, trans resources, and more.
As we discussed last week, marriage for gay couples is an incredibly important issue in the gay rights movement in the USA. Not only does marriage confer more than 1,100 rights and protections, it allows our gay friends to participate fully in one of the most recognizable and important ceremonies in our adult lives. You have an opportunity to make a difference for North Carolina gay marriage laws, today.
Chris Hughes, the co-founder of Facebook, has joined with his fiancé Sean Eldridge in pledging to donate $10 for every person who “likes” Equality NC’s Facebook page by Tuesday, up to $10k.
"Like" Equality NC to protect North Carolina gay marriage laws now!
The money will go to help Equality NC fight the marriage amendment, which [Hughes] says “is bad for business, bad for the perception of my home state on the national stage, and a far cry from job-creating legislation that North Carolina lawmakers should be focused on.”
Hughes’ letter says he knows what it’s like to grow up different in a small Southern town and that this legislation “will only perpetuate this stigma for a new generation of creative, talented youth, uninterested in second-class citizenship in a state they call home.
As The New York Times notes, NC is the lone standout in the Southeast without a constitutional ban on marriage for gay couples. In reality, the constitutional ban would only truly server as salt in a wound — state law already prohibits North Carolina gay marriage. Taking it to the constitutional level only further solidifies the legislating of discrimination. The state is widely considered more gay-friendly than others in the region, leading activists in the area to bring particularly vocal opposition to the proposed ban.
Take Action: “Like” Equality NC’s Facebook page now, and share this article so your friends can do the same. We only have til Tuesday, and a few seconds of your time can make a real difference for friends in North Carolina.
Friendfactor couldn’t exist if there weren’t thousands of people out there thinking the first half of that sentence: I want to support my gay friends. Time and time again, though, I’ve had friends tell me the biggest barrier to getting involved is the fear of “doing it wrong.” They’re worried about saying something a gay or trans friend will find insensitive, or about fighting my battles for me when they shouldn’t. They don’t speak up because they don’t want to accidentally offend gay people. The ironic thing is, all these anxieties stem from the strength of their desire to help me out – and that desire is what counts.
In short, expressing support in any way is better than not expressing it at all. I totally understand the nervousness my friends describe – it’s hard to keep up with what’s politically correct, and I don’t expect them to become queer theory scholars just to hang out with me. What I wouldn’t want is for anyone to let the fear of saying something slightly wrong keep them silent when it matters.
A wedding is about the bride and groom (we’ll call them “Romeo and Juliet”) and they should be the center of the attention. But bringing my same sex “Plus One” (we’ll call her “Gorgeous”) to a wedding raises all kinds of self-conscious anxieties about the best way to throw rice, rock the open bar and do the chicken dance the way Romeo and Juliet imagined. Throwing a gay-friendly wedding extravaganza should be simple, but can certainly seem sticky at times.
Weddings are a special day, and I worry that just by being there, my girlfriend and I will be perceived as making a political statement. I don’t want to do that. I just want to go to my friends’ wedding and cheer them on as they stuff cake in each other’s faces like any other couple.
So, without further ado, here are 3 simple sound-bites for the Brides and Grooms who might want to go the extra mile to make their gay friends feel welcome on their big day:
The Invitation
When possible, it’s great to write your friend’s partner’s name on the envelope. This might not be Emily Post’s standard, but if you’re comfortable with it, embrace it.
If you do feel more comfortable with an “and guest” on the invite, perhaps casually say “Hey! Romeo and I would be so excited if you and Gorgeous can make it!”
Either way, you’ll reassure your friend that “Yes, you meant THAT guest.”
Don’t panic! If your friend is coming out to you, you’re a person to be trusted. They wouldn’t be telling you something this personal (and, in many cases, difficult) if they didn’t believe you’d handle it like a good friend. So trust your friend’s instincts: you’re gonna do great!
Here’s a cheat sheet of Do’s and Don’ts for when your friend comes out:
The Do’s
Tip 1: There’s no one right way to respond.Trust your gut and what you know about how this friendship works – coming out never happens the same way twice, so handle it your way.
Tip 2: Figure out what your friend needs now. The particulars of the reasons and way your friend is coming out will dictate your response more than anything else. For example:
A friend who’s excited to show off his new relationship wants you to be excited for him, so ask all about it and celebrate! But,
A friend who comes to you upset because her parents aren’t supportive needs comfort more than anything. Let her know you’re still there for her, no matter what.
Your friend coming out is just like any other thing you go through together; gauge how you can best be there for them, what they need, and how you can provide it.
Tip 3: Voice your support loud and clear. More than anything your friend probably just needs to know you guys are still cool. No matter what else is racing through your brain (and all of that is ok), let your friend know you want them to be happy and aren’t going anywhere.
The Don’ts
Tip 1: Don’t ignore the situation. Coming out is a hard thing to do, and glazing over what your friend has told you is a lousy way to acknowledge that. This may seem like a good idea because you’re totally cool with it and don’t think it’s a big deal, but it’s important to let your friend know you heard them and actively voice support.
Tip 2: Don’t laugh it off if your friend is being serious. Having a friend come out can be uncomfortable, and laughing through it is a pretty common way of handling awkward situations. Keep it in check: your friend has it harder than you do right now and is almost certainly more uncomfortable.
Tip 3: Don’t doubt. Your friend absolutely knows best in this case. It probably wasn’t easy coming to grips with who they are; don’t ask if they’re sure or tell them they’re just confused. Simply let them know you support them.
Not quite our first full-fledged guest post, but our good friend Davey Wavey of Break the Illusion sent over this highly informative video for any well-meaning buddy of a gay person, and it’s too good not to share.
Short version: gay matchmaking is tricky, sticky business.
Now Davey’s pretty clear on this point, but I hasten to reiterate that it isn’t that your gay friends don’t ever want a set-up (especially if, as D says, they look like Zac Efron, and I’ll add Julianne Moore to the list) — it’s just that we all prefer to go on dates with folks with whom we have more in common than, say, liking chocolate cake. Excellent quality if you want a chocolate-cake-eating buddy! Pretty useless in determining if the two of you have any real common interests or chemistry.
Straight from two devilishly good-looking horses mouths, there’s your tip of the day: don’t fix your gay friend up with your one other gay friend. Chances are it won’t work out and everyone will wind up feeling a little foolish.
Far be it from us to objectify anyone: man, woman, gay, straight, or other in any of those categories, but this feature on Out.com really leaves no wiggle room on the matter: athletes who stand up for their gay friends are hot.
People who speak up for their gay friends are attractive.
Pictured: Ben Cohen, Hudson Taylor, Michael Irvin, Mike Chabala, and Nick Youngquest. Click through to read more about what these rad athletes are doing for their gay friends!
The world of sports has unfortunately been notoriously rough territory for LGBT folks — whether it’s Kobe Bryant slinging anti-gay slurs during a Laker’s game or the seemingly never-ending inappropriate public referendum on South African runner Caster Semenya‘s gender, major players both inside and outside the game have a tendency to make big-league competition an uncomfortable space for anyone perceived as outside the “norm” of heterosexuality. Women athletes take a lot of heat in the form of “accusation,” constantly having their sexuality questioned for enjoying traditionally “manly” pursuits in sports, especially if they’re any good. For men, you’ll more often see players throw around derogatory terms for a ref after a bad call or using homophobic language to goad opponents, furthering the linguistic barb that “gay = bad” more than actually trying to out peers.
In any case, the five men profiled by Out Magazine are taking a stand not only for their gay teammates, but to encourage a huge shift in the world of sports to make it a safe and accepting environment for LGBT players and fans. In a universe where those who stand up for gay friends are likely to be labeled gay themselves, which is still a major career liability, these guys are truly going above and beyond to show what friendship means. And Out is buying them sexy outfits and taking nice pictures of’em for their troubles. Right on.
While these guys are high-profile athletes in super dudely realms like wrestling and rugby, it doesn’t take a spot in the limelight to make a difference — even making it clear that your gay friends are welcome on the JV team or after-work kickball league can mean the world. When a straight friend stands up to say it’s stupid to make a fuss over sharing locker-rooms or calls out another player for using anti-gay language, other people listen: you don’t have a stake besides caring about your friends, and that makes your voice incredibly powerful.
And (sorry, we have to say it) what’s more attractive than power, especially when it’s used to be a great friend? We don’t have stats on this, but we would put money on potential dates of whatever gender taking notice of your efforts in the best way.
For goodness sake, look at those five dudes! Think they’re hurting for Saturday night plans??
Have you ever encountered a hostile environment for LGBT friends on the field? Did you do anything about it? Think we’re seeing things get better or worse in the world of professional sports? Have at it in the comments!
During the great New York marriage debate of aught-leven (working on it), you may have noticed a relatively new breed of op-eds voicing support for marriage equality: the economists. Forget about freedom, love, all *ahem* men being created equal… there’s a dollars and cents argument to be made for expanding the wedding industry in your state. In a piece criticizing this trend run in the New York Times, Jaye Cee Whitehead writes:
States and cities are, as the New York executives pointed out, competing to attract talent in a globally competitive labor market. The wedding industry benefits, of course, when more couples are allowed to marry. And marriage equality is associated with revenue gains from sales taxes and license fees. Backers of gay marriage speak openly of the gains from “marriage tourism” in states that have legalized same-sex marriage.
The amount of money involved is not pocket change: the Williams Institute on Sexual Orientation Law at the University of California, Los Angeles, puts the economic gain in Massachusetts alone at $111 million in the five years since same-sex marriage was legalized there. The bipartisan Congressional Budget Office estimates that the legalization of same-sex marriage in all 50 states would yield $1 billion in annual revenue over a 10-year period.
If you calculate those millions of dollars in pizzas (as we in the Friendfactor office sometimes like to do when struggling to conceptualize large sums of money)… legalizing the freedom to marry would allow for the purchase of many, many pizzas by New Yorkers. Is that the best argument for equality? Debatable. Would it hurt NY to attract that business/money/pizzas? Our position is a staunch “no.”
There’s a great story out of the Pam’s House Blend blog today that’s got us thinking about how we can all make daily decisions to support our gay* friends. Oyster.com recently ran a blog post recommending hotels for out of town couples coming to the Big Apple to tie the gay knot, as it were, and included a hotel owned by the notoriously homophobic Donald Trump (and if you think the hair is coincidental to the fact that The Donald doesn’t respect the gay folks in his life, you’ve got another thing coming). Pam petitioned Oyster to remove the Trump property from their list, and within the week they’d done just that.
A job very well done, but we say let’s take it a step further. With the wealth of independent businesses here in New York and around the country, I see no reason that my money should ever support people who don’t support my LGBT friends. It’s not always easy to know who the offenders are — who’d have thought the barnyard traitorous Chick-fil-A cows were also lousy Ffriends? — but if we can make a habit of spending with gay-friendly businesses instead of the other guys, we may just find that dollars speak louder than words.
Are there products or businesses you try to avoid (or seek out!) because you support your gay* friends? Share the knowledge in the comments!
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Usually well-meaning adults have these kinds of hang-ups in the first place because we’re worried either about hurting someone’s feelings or about looking stupid ourselves. But if there is one demographic who I can promise you does not give a crap about looking silly or making someone else uncomfortable, it’s KIDS.
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