Being a Friend: What to do when a co-worker tells hurtful gay jokes.

Not just for unattended luggage.

If you’re trying to figure out what to do when a co-worker tells inappropriate gay jokes at your office, the first thing you should know is that you’re not alone: 58% of gay people report hearing these things at work. Whether you hear someone directly disparaging another person because of their sexuality, or work someplace where phrases like “that’s so gay” are used to mean something is bad, you’re working in a hostile environment. Comments like that are a big reason why 51% of gay and trans folks aren’t out at work: it doesn’t feel safe. But you can help.

Anyone can take steps to discourage harmful behavior like this, and good friends like you do. These gay jokes are really no different than someone making derogatory remarks about race; you’d want a friend to stand with you in a situation like this, too.

Here are some tips on what you can do when you hear co-workers making gay jokes:

• Say something. The moment you can make the biggest difference is right when you hear the offensive comment being made. Make it clear to your co-worker that their language is hurtful and would make a gay person feel uncomfortable, and that it isn’t ok. Or simply state that what was said isn’t appropriate in a work setting.
• Get in touch with HR. Although 29 states lack workplace protection for gay folks, your company probably has an anti-discrimination policy. Even if there’s nothing in writing that specifically addresses homophobic comments, your boss or HR department has an interest in making the company a safe place for all employees. Especially if you’re not comfortable saying something to the jokester yourself, this is a great way to make sure the incident doesn’t go unaddressed.
• Let your gay co-workers know you have their backs. Regardless of what you’re able to say in the moment or get the company to do to address the issue, it makes a big difference for the gay folks in the office to know someone else heard what happens and wants things to change. If you’ve taken any action, tell them, and in any case make it clear that you’re there if they ever need back-up.
• Make a bad situation into a learning opportunity. Your co-worker who made the joke probably deserves the benefit of the doubt; they might not know or understand why what they said was hurtful. Explain that calling something “gay” when they mean “bad” implies that gay IS bad,  and how that must make gay folks in the office feel. Let them know that what they may have thought was good-natured teasing can actually be very hurtful to someone; it’s not fair to pick on anyone just because of who they are.

Straight friends have the ability to make a huge difference in situations like these. If you can call your peers out, it makes a powerful statement that gay jokes aren’t just an issue for gay people: they’re an issue for anyone who cares about a gay person. Anything you can do makes your workplace feel that much safer for gay employees, whether they’re out at work or not.

Take Action: “Like” and share this post so all your friends will know what they can do if they ever hear a gay joke at work. Together we can make the world a safer place for our gay friends.

Resources: When you need to help your gay friends, these folks can help you.

With the recent rash of teen suicides as the result of bullying, helping out gay friends has been on a lot of people’s minds. The good news is, there are lots of great organizations, each staffed by dedicated and caring folks, which are giving their all to make the world a better place for all of our gay friends. There are great gay resources out there, and you can help connect the dots.

In this post, we’ll highlight some national organizations you may find useful. Many have local chapters as well; click through below to find resources near you, if that’s what you need. The full list is below the jump – here are a few you may be looking for urgently.

• If you are concerned your friend might hurt themselves: the Trevor Project.

“Trevor” is a fantastic organization that provides gay and trans youth with information, help, and support. If your friend considering hurting themselves or even taking their own life, get them on the line ASAP. Their suicide prevention hotline can be reached at 866-4-U-TREVOR (866-488-7386).

• If your friend just came out, and their families are having a hard time understanding: PFLAG (Parents, Famlies, & Friends of Lesbians and Gays).

PFLAG has local chapters around the country which run support groups for parents and others who are struggling with the sexuality of a loved one. Want to find one? Just click through. Great for friends who want to be supportive or parents who need a crash course and others to talk to.

• If your friend has experienced discrimination just for being gay, and needs legal advice: Lambda Legal. 

This national org works for equal rights throughout the country for gay folks, as well as those with HIV/AIDS. Lambda can hook you up with legal services when you and your friends need them. Gay resources when your friend’s in a bind.

Below the cut: International advocacy, hate crime prevention, trans resources, and more.

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Action Alert: Speak Up Against Bullying and Prevent Gay Teen Suicide

Jamey Rodemeyer, victim of gay teen suicide

We see all too many stories of gay teen suicide cases in the news. This one is particularly horrifying. Jamey Rodemeyer was only 14 years old when he took his own life this week, after being relentlessly bullied for who he was. His story is all the more tragic because his struggle with this issue was so public: he wrote regularly on his blog about other students teasing him for having girls as friends, and even made a video for the It Gets Better Project (you can watch it here).

It feels like once these stories hit the news it’s too late to do anything; a life has been lost to bullying, and there’s no way to bring it back. But a bunch of big players are banding together to fight gay teen suicide. They’re calling it “The Stop Bullying: Speak Up Social Pledge App.” A bit of a mouthful, yes, but also a way to for you to join a movement to prevent more tragedies like losing Jamey: