Why not just say “gay”? Your handy guide to decoding LGBT+

Many thanks to awesome Ffriend Will Cheval Jr. for help with this post!

No, “LGBT” isn’t a special Morse Code signal; it’s a way to “simplify” the types of folks included in the gay, or LGBT (lesbian, gay, bi, and trans), community. (With that many letters, could have fooled us too.) But these labels are important to a lot of folks, so it’s worth a little research to understand the answer to the question, “What is LGBT?”

It probably seems a lot simpler to just refer to all our non-hetero friends as “gay” and be done with it. So why are lots of folks insistent on a different, particular term? As your friend navigates their new identity of “not straight,” they’re going to find a lot of different communities, identities, and ideas. It’s going to be hard, and settling on a label they’re comfortable with is a part of figuring out who they are, and sharing it with others.

And now, the terms: Lesbian, Gay, Bisexual, Transgender, Queer, Questioning, Intersex, Asexual, and Ally.

• Gay is the typically used term to identify both guys and gals who are sexually attracted to someone of the same gender.
• Lesbian, on the other hand, refers only to women who are attracted to other women.
• Bisexual means a person is attracted to both men and women. No, it doesn’t mean your bi friend is constantly involved in torrid 3-ways and orgies, or that they can’t settle down permanently with one dude or lady. Just that they’re attracted to both sexes. Read the rest of this entry »

My Friend Just Came Out To Me – Now What??

Straight from Friendfactor's Burning Questions...

Don’t panic! If your friend is coming out to you, you’re a person to be trusted. They wouldn’t be telling you something this personal (and, in many cases, difficult)  if they didn’t believe you’d handle it like a good friend. So trust your friend’s instincts: you’re gonna do great!

Here’s a cheat sheet of Do’s and Don’ts for when your friend comes out:

The Do’s

Tip 1: There’s no one right way to respond. Trust your gut and what you know about how this friendship works – coming out never happens the same way twice, so handle it your way.

Tip 2: Figure out what your friend needs now. The particulars of the reasons and way your friend is coming out will dictate your response more than anything else. For example:

• A friend who’s excited to show off his new relationship wants you to be excited for him, so ask all about it and celebrate! But,
• A friend who comes to you upset because her parents aren’t supportive needs comfort more than anything. Let her know you’re still there for her, no matter what.

Your friend coming out is just like any other thing you go through together; gauge how you can best be there for them,  what they need, and how you can provide it.

Tip 3: Voice your support loud and clear. More than anything your friend probably just needs to know you guys are still cool. No matter what else is racing through your brain (and all of that is ok), let your friend know you want them to be happy and aren’t going anywhere.

The Don’ts

Tip 1: Don’t ignore the situation. Coming out is a hard thing to do, and glazing over what your friend has told you is a lousy way to acknowledge that. This may seem like a good idea because you’re totally cool with it and don’t think it’s a big deal, but it’s important to let your friend know you heard them and actively voice support.

Tip 2: Don’t laugh it off if your friend is being serious. Having a friend come out can be uncomfortable, and laughing through it is a pretty common way of handling awkward situations. Keep it in check: your friend has it harder than you do right now and is almost certainly more uncomfortable.

Tip 3: Don’t doubt. Your friend absolutely knows best in this case. It probably wasn’t easy coming to grips with who they are; don’t ask if they’re sure or tell them they’re just confused. Simply let them know you support them.

More crucial tips after the jump!

Read the rest of this entry »

How do I know if my gay* friend thinks our dinner plans are actually a date?

Straight from the Burning Questions module of the Friendfactor site, we bring you a real concern from a real friend who seems to be stuck in what might be a sticky situation with a gay or bi buddy. In the spirit of “there’s no such thing as a stupid question” (and this one passes much stricter scrutiny for relevance anyway), we give you the skinny on what your gay friend is probably thinking, and how to clarify an ambiguous situation if necessary.

First things first, we’d all do well to acknowledge that the whole concept of dating is far murkier than it used to be for everybody, gay and straight… thanks a lot, “it’s complicated” relationship status. In all seriousness, without the strict codes of “going steady,” Jane Austen-esq courtships, and glove-slapping duels over ladies’ kerchiefs, it’s often hard to tell if you’re going on a coffee date or a coffee date. This is problematic, whether you’re the sucker sighing over a crush who isn’t picking up signals, or the poor schmuck hoping your friend isn’t looking for something more because you aren’t.

The only difference in this ubiquitous ambiguity when it comes to your gay friends is that if you’re not interested, you’re really not interested, and not looking to be swayed on the matter. You probably want to nip any potential misunderstandings in the bud and get back to the normal business of being pals. Good news: your gay friend almost certainly wants the same thing, and clearing the situation up isn’t as difficult or awkward as you might imagine.

You know your gay friends don’t recruit, plain and simple. And if there’s any doubt in your mind, think through it logically: if you were part of a very small minority looking for a partner like you, would it make sense to waste time chasing somebody who would never be into you, or would you rather spend your efforts wooing a person who would be enthusiastic and happy to be with you? As a straight person, you aren’t your gay friend’s type by definition.

With that worry out of the way, knowing our gay friends aren’t interested in barking up the wrong tree, the only question is how to get the message across that you’re not looking for a night of romance, just a bite to eat. Truth is, this should be easy as pie (like, buying it from Trader Joe’s. Baking from scratch is actually hella difficult, and we’d like to raise a flag about this idiom). Casually mention an ex-girlfriend  or boyfriend of the opposite gender in conversation, or if you want to be awesome, bring up how easy Friendfactor makes it for straight folks like you to support your LGBT friends. If it comes to physical contact, your body language will read “not interested” loud and clear; any good friend will respect your boundaries as soon as you make them clear.

(Plus? Your gay friend probably already knows you’re straight. They want to avoid the embarrassment of coming on to an uninterested party as much as you do, and have probably asked around to save you both the awkwardness.)

Bottom line: the social world is a complicated place all around, and we’ve all ended up on the dreaded outing with somebody clearly in possession of very different expectations (or, as they say, feelings). It’s a little weird and can be uncomfortable til everything’s out in the open, but chances are you can trust your gay and bi friends to pick up your no-go signals and carry on with the salad course.

Burning Questions: Excerpt From Our Site Feature!

Do you have any burning questions you’re just dying to ask? I do, and they are all about Jennifer Lopez’s workout regimen (which Friendfactor sadly does not have any insider information on. Yet!). If you have burning questions about gay* people though, it can be awkward to ask them. That’s why we have our Burning Questions tool, where straight people can ask questions about gay* people in a non-judgmental environment. Here’s an example question, and some great responses from our Ffriends!

QUESTION: What’s the right reaction when someone tells me they’re gay?

Answer from Andrew Bridges:

If it’s casual, you don’t have to say much of anything other than letting them know you’re a supporter. If they are in the process of coming out and you can tell it was difficult, say something like “I’m glad that you trust me enough to share this. It doesn’t change how much I care about you. And I believe that increased honesty and openness will make us closer friends.”

Or, if you like you don’t read anything over ten characters (in which case why have you gotten so far in this blog post?), an answer from Morgan Britt:

“Cool.”

Check out other burning questions (and more responses to this question) here!

No such thing as a stupid question.

Universal experience: the elephant in the room. Or if you prefer, the 800 pound gorilla. Either way, we’ve all found ourselves shooting the breeze or sharing drinks with friends when suddenly there’s a large figurative mammal silently glaring from the corner, because sometimes straight folks just don’t know what to do with a legitimate curiosity about what it’s like to be gay, or the best way to interact with their gay friends. If there’s one thing we’ve all learned from the Discovery Channel, it’s that wild things can be temporarily tamed, but never forget their feral roots. Which is why those trundling truth-animals tend to demand attention after a few drinks, when we as humans are at our least civilized… which is to say, at our most honest. And if you’re gay* and out with straight friends, that means you’re about to encounter some uncomfortable questions about your sex-life, relationships, and who Jodi Foster thinks she’s fooling at this point. All fair questions, but not the most comfortable conversations. (Believe us, we’ve had them.)

At Friendfactor, we believe in equality: no elephants or gorillas should be left unacknowledged or lonely just because dealing with them is difficult. Sometimes the King Kong at your kitchen table is the question, “Are bi people really just promiscuous?”, or maybe you’ve seen Dumbo stumbling into the dive bar voicing earnest confusing about who pays for a first date between two dudes . No matter the content of the query, straight people deserve answers. And gay people deserve help wrangling those very heavy animals, now that we’ve all conceded that they exist and often stand in the way of friends having a full understanding of each other’s lives.

That’s why we created Burning Questions, the latest educational tool on the Friendfactor site. To free the great apes. Or, if you’ll excuse our abandonment of this mammalian metaphor, to give straight friends a safe space to ask for help understanding basic, if personal, aspects of their gay friends’ lives, and to give gay friends the opportunity to respond honestly. That is, without the pressure of being put on the spot at three in the morning.

The only stupid question is one that goes unasked. We’ve got a small army of gay advocates and allies at the ready to answer the Burning Questions that you just haven’t figured out how to ask in person. Visit the page to look and learn, or to join the conversation. Ask, answer, and share your new-found knowledge on Facebook so other friends can hop on the enlightenment train too.

Because curiosity never killed a cat, but we bet an elephant could.