Gay Catholic comes out at age 54, shares his journey to acceptance

Ron Bates, a now-openly Gay Catholic man who grew up in rural Minnesota and spent decades trying to repress his sexuality, is bravely sharing his story in the hopes of preventing others from experiencing the same sort of pain. Due to the extreme social pressures of his surroundings, Bates married a woman and stayed in the closet until age 54. Priests told him acting on his desires would send him to hell. His community made it clear they agreed.

Can you imagine going through torture like this just because of who you are?

via deeppencil.com

My marriage never worked.

The sexuality was mostly repulsive, and that was communicated indirectly to my ex-wife. That is the most unfair part. She was one of the innocent victims in the masquerade of “I’m straight.”

For years and years, I would prostrate myself on the floor and ask God to change me. Maybe if I just pray more, fast more, do more “works of charity,” the male attraction will go away.

After more than 30 years of trying to “burn” the evil out of me, I finally came out at age fifty four. God finally broke through to my heart of hearts and said, “I love you just as you are. You are praying for healing, but you are not sick!”

(via The Star Tribune)

Bates is lucky enough to have redemption at the end of his story. Let us all hope that more young religious folks can hear the same message — you are loved just as you are — and avoid the crippling shame that so often afflicts people in the closet. The more brave stories like this we can tell to our straight, religious friends, the faster we can leverage the trend of religious support for equal rights into real change.

Take Action: Share your story of reconciling religion with support of everyone’s sexuality, or share this story with religious friends to change hearts and minds and support your gay friends.

My Friend Just Came Out To Me – Now What??

Straight from Friendfactor's Burning Questions...

Don’t panic! If your friend is coming out to you, you’re a person to be trusted. They wouldn’t be telling you something this personal (and, in many cases, difficult)  if they didn’t believe you’d handle it like a good friend. So trust your friend’s instincts: you’re gonna do great!

Here’s a cheat sheet of Do’s and Don’ts for when your friend comes out:

The Do’s

Tip 1: There’s no one right way to respond. Trust your gut and what you know about how this friendship works – coming out never happens the same way twice, so handle it your way.

Tip 2: Figure out what your friend needs now. The particulars of the reasons and way your friend is coming out will dictate your response more than anything else. For example:

• A friend who’s excited to show off his new relationship wants you to be excited for him, so ask all about it and celebrate! But,
• A friend who comes to you upset because her parents aren’t supportive needs comfort more than anything. Let her know you’re still there for her, no matter what.

Your friend coming out is just like any other thing you go through together; gauge how you can best be there for them,  what they need, and how you can provide it.

Tip 3: Voice your support loud and clear. More than anything your friend probably just needs to know you guys are still cool. No matter what else is racing through your brain (and all of that is ok), let your friend know you want them to be happy and aren’t going anywhere.

The Don’ts

Tip 1: Don’t ignore the situation. Coming out is a hard thing to do, and glazing over what your friend has told you is a lousy way to acknowledge that. This may seem like a good idea because you’re totally cool with it and don’t think it’s a big deal, but it’s important to let your friend know you heard them and actively voice support.

Tip 2: Don’t laugh it off if your friend is being serious. Having a friend come out can be uncomfortable, and laughing through it is a pretty common way of handling awkward situations. Keep it in check: your friend has it harder than you do right now and is almost certainly more uncomfortable.

Tip 3: Don’t doubt. Your friend absolutely knows best in this case. It probably wasn’t easy coming to grips with who they are; don’t ask if they’re sure or tell them they’re just confused. Simply let them know you support them.

More crucial tips after the jump!

Read the rest of this entry »

Burning Questions: Excerpt From Our Site Feature!

Do you have any burning questions you’re just dying to ask? I do, and they are all about Jennifer Lopez’s workout regimen (which Friendfactor sadly does not have any insider information on. Yet!). If you have burning questions about gay* people though, it can be awkward to ask them. That’s why we have our Burning Questions tool, where straight people can ask questions about gay* people in a non-judgmental environment. Here’s an example question, and some great responses from our Ffriends!

QUESTION: What’s the right reaction when someone tells me they’re gay?

Answer from Andrew Bridges:

If it’s casual, you don’t have to say much of anything other than letting them know you’re a supporter. If they are in the process of coming out and you can tell it was difficult, say something like “I’m glad that you trust me enough to share this. It doesn’t change how much I care about you. And I believe that increased honesty and openness will make us closer friends.”

Or, if you like you don’t read anything over ten characters (in which case why have you gotten so far in this blog post?), an answer from Morgan Britt:

“Cool.”

Check out other burning questions (and more responses to this question) here!