The M Word: Why Marriage for Gay Couples is Front Page News

Gay marriage: you’ve read about it. Probably more than most other gay issues. Here’s why.

Gay or straight, we’ve all been brought up to understand that marriage is a central moment in our lives. Some folks may reject that premise in adulthood – and more power to them – but for a lot of us marriage is a major milestone, a change in identity to being a married person rather than still, in some sense, single. I’d put money down that you’ve put at least a little bit of thought into what your wedding might be like. Yes, you. But on top of all this cultural and spiritual meaning, marriage is an important legal status. Being married affects more parts of your life than you can shake a stick (or bouquet) at.

The freedom to marry is a big, big legal disparity to tackle for gay couples, but there are also lots of other incredibly pressing things that need to change in order for gay and straight folks to be equal under the law. This other stuff – employment discrimination, lack of housing protections, and second freedom from violence to name just a few – is vital for the health and well-being of gay Americans, and groups around the country are fighting for equality. Gay marriage is news largely because it’s an emotional issue. Love is a wonderful thing to rally around (getting fired for being gay is a real downer in comparison to potential weddings), plus there are 1,100 rights and protections associated with marriage. Your gay friends need them.

Marriage is the ultimate goal – not domestic partnerships or civil unions (more on these after the cut), and the Federal government and 44 states don’t recognize a gay couple’s right to marry. It has to change.

The single biggest barrier to marriage equality is the Defense of Marriage Act, or DOMA. Essentially this law passed by the U.S. Congress means that marriage rights are decided state by state, not on the Federal level, meaning it’s a slow and thorny slog to freedom. Perhaps more troublingly, it means that states don’t have to recognize marriages performed in other states. So even if your friends get married in one of the six states where gay marriage is legal, once they cross a border all their legal protections vanish. Essentially, this gives states cover to write discrimination into their laws and constitutions.

Civil Union laws are currently in place in five states (New Jersey, Illinois, Hawaii, Delaware, and Rhode Island) and are intended as stand-ins for marriage for gay couples. Civil Unions do offer some protections, but giving gay couples a different word and legal status makes it easy to write discrimination into the law, to treat gay and straight couples differently. (Read about how legal ambiguity like this is hurting real gay families in NJ here.)

On a more basic level, nothing says “love and commitment” like the word marriage. Can you imagine getting down on one knee and asking someone to civil union you? (Civilly unite? Civil unionize?) It doesn’t sound right, and that’s why marriage opponents want to bar gay couples from using the word: to make their relationships less than. Marriage needs to be for everyone – Civil Unions just point out the differences between us, not the universal ability to love and commit.

This is just the tip of the iceberg on the marriage issue – check back with us for the finer points of why marriage matters to the gay folks in your life. This article on a gay dad in Texas being enied access to his kids is a good start.

Take Action: Share this post so all your friends can understand what the big fuss over the M word is all about.